Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I'm Back...

So as you can see I have returned to writing on my blog, the summer and fall was a lot crazier than I anticipated but I’m back.  Another reason for my return is because ‘The Weekender’, the paper that I was writing for has decided to change its focus and so I am out.  It was nice while it lasted and maybe another paper will decide to pick up the ‘Motherhood’ column, maybe not, either way in the meantime I thought I would focus again on this blog. Maybe this is where ‘Motherhood’ belongs anyway.
Today is this 14th Anniversary of my mother Karen’s death.  She died from kidney cancer.  I don’t like saying it like that but saying, 14 years ago my mother died sounds just as weird.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot more these days because of my daughters.  Questions for her keep piling up, questions only my mother would be able to answer.  I am estranged from my father and sister and my paternal side of the family in case you were wondering why don’t I just ask them.  My relationship with my mother’s side of the family is getting better but I just would like to be able to ask my mother questions.  I am jealous of daughters who have a mom and who have been able to start on the motherhood journey with their guidance.  I know there are plenty of women like me who are motherless, or are lacking a mother figure in their life and are awesome moms, it just sucks sometimes.  Most days I try to forget about it, I try not to wonder so much about what my mother would have done, what my relationship with her would be like now if she was still alive.  Most days I try to focus on creating my own solid relationship with my daughters but most days it’s still hard.  My oldest daughter is four and is a lot like me and I forget to just treat her as I would have like to be treated.  My youngest is almost a year and is into everything – was I like that or does she take after her father?
My grief councilor told me once that grief is like waves, it comes and goes.  My grief and all its stages is here now and hopefully it goes quickly.