Final Formula Countdown

The last can of formula for Leah was opened today.  I don't know how many cans over the last year we have gone through, but I'm sure it's been a lot.  Leah has been on formula pretty much since she was born and yes I know breast is best.  Just like with Grace, I wanted to, I hoped to breast feed my daughters but it didn't happen that way and since I love them and wanted to keep them around I figure I better feed them something.
Anyway, today the last can was opened and in a weird way I am sad about it.  It's just another reminder that Leah is getting older.  And to sound like every other mommy out there, I remember when Leah was first born and I was stressed over feeding - first trying with the breast then going to bottle.  I remember writing everything down- how much she had, when she had her bottles and what she left in her diapers.  I remember the days of constantly washing and sterilizing bottles, boiling water, measuring and trying to remember the ratio of scoops to water and then trying to remember how many scoops were put into the bottles.  I remember waiting until the time when Leah would only need about three bottles a day and then finally none.  Like everything else that happens in life, I look back and wonder what I was so stressed about, so worried about - washing, sterilizing, measuring seem like no big deal (of course I am now sleeping compared to almost 12 months ago).  Sometimes I do wish though that I could go back in time and live through it again.
Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that is a little excited for Leah to fully be on regular food and to no longer have to deal with bottles (well at least not having to deal with more than one a day) but I think a part of me will still miss the closeness of feeding my children, even though I did it with a bottle.  I will miss Leah getting excited when she sees her bottle and cuddling on my lap at the end of the day.  Actually, I will still get to do that for another year or so, just minus the formula.

Folding Memories

(here is the last column for The Weekender)

I was putting some laundry away the other day and had to put some of Leah’s shirts away.  Away, like in a box for storage because they don’t fit her anymore.  This wasn’t the first time I had to pack up Leah’s shirts but for some reason it made me a little emotional.  There was this one shirt, which was worn by Grace before and has “what’s not to love” written on the front.  I love this shirt, not my ultimate favourite of either of my daughter’s wardrobes but in the top 10 for sure.  I remember Grace wearing it and it just sort of fit her personality and in some ways it fit Leah’s personality as well. But now it doesn’t fit her and it is another reminder of how fast she is growing.  My youngest is no longer little, no longer that tiny delicate human always bundled up in blankets and sleeping but is now heading in the opposite direction- getting bigger, stronger and becoming her own person. 

Storing clothes never seemed to bother me when both Grace and Leah were newborns, and I guess it’s because I knew they wouldn’t be wearing the newborn or the zero to three month old clothes for long so I didn’t get too attached to them.  It didn’t bother me too much when I had to pack up the three to six month old outfits or the nine to12 month ones either.  For some reason the clothes for the older child really get to me.  Maybe it’s because by the time they fit into those size clothes you know your child more and you remember them wearing that particular outfit, such as the time I got really sad when it came time to pack up Grace’s ‘Cinderella’ shirt.  I bought her that shirt specifically because that was when she was in her ‘Cinderella’ phase and also at that time our family was going on a trip and she wore it on her first ever plane ride.  She loved that shirt and I tried to keep it clean so she could wear it as many times as possible.  Now it’s packed up in the size three box waiting for Leah to possibly love it in a couple of years.

Another time was when I packed up Grace’s ‘Jessie’ PJ’s, you know the ‘yodeling cow girl’ from ‘Toy Story’ (yes my family loves Disney).  They were her Christmas PJ’s and I searched everywhere for them because at that time Grace loved Jessie. 

I think a part of me is also a little sad when I pack up the clothes that Leah is wearing now or just growing out of because I am not sure if she might be the last one to wear them, at least in my family.  I am still on the fence over if Leah might be my last baby.  My husband Jim of course is all for having a boy, as is Grace but then again I am the one who has to carry and deliver that said boy or girl so I figure I kind of have final say.  Then again my husband and Grace and Leah for that matter will have to put up with me if I chose to have another child and I know I am not a good pregnant lady.  Heck I get emotional folding clothes.

Mommy Zombie

Leah had a bad night last night.  She usually gets a full 12 hours of sleep, unless she is cold or like what I think happened last night is teething.  I think Leah is a silent teether- there are no other symptoms like a runny nose (what Grace had) or fever or some of the other gross things that many parents believe happen when their kid is getting in some new chompers.  My youngster's cheeks might get a bit more red but it's hard to tell when it's cold out.  So anyway, I think my baby is getting in some new teeth and it's hard to soothe her - she doesn't like Tempra, her front teeth are huge so she can't really fit anything where her molars so that she can chew the pain away or even numb it.  And it's hard on me too.  Not to whine, I have gotten use to my usual eight hours of sleep and last night I didn't really get that so now I'm zombie mommy.  It's hard to watch your child in pain, even harder when you can't really do anything, and harder than all that dealing with it when you are really tired.  I admit it, I was tempted to just let her cry, especially after waking up all cozy in my bed, but then for a second I wondered how I would like it and became a good mommy again and got up to try and soothe Leah.  This meant, trying to stay calm while she screamed and tried to climb up onto my shoulders.  The good thing about all this- well there are a couple- she will hopefully have a long nap today and possible a regular sleep tonight and the teeth that have been bugging her might appear soon.  Then all will be normal during the night and Leah will have a few new teeth to try out.  Anyone have any suggestions as to how to help my daughter when this happens again???

Blinded by the High Beam Light

One down fall to living where I live....lack of street lights which means more drivers use high beams!  On the way home from Grace's dance class, at what seemed like midnight but was really 5:30, I passed many cars with their high beams on.  No wait, maybe it was only a few with their actual high beams on but after a while it seemed like all the cars and trucks had their blinding spot lights on.  Is it just me or are vehicle lights getting that much brighter.  Do I have to start wearing my sunglasses at night?

Update

Hello everyone!
I thought that I would give a quick update as to what has been happening in our house since the last time I wrote ( and not since yesterday).  My oldest Grace is now in school and loves it.  I was very worried as to how she would take to being away from me the whole day but she had not problem, in fact her first day I had to ask her for a kiss goodbye before she wanted to run off.  Some days I still have to ask her for one but I guess kissing your mom (or dad) isn't what the cool kindergarteners do these days.  I was also worried how she would fair against those kids who have been in daycare and Grace's teachers tell me she is doing very well (yea!!).  For the first few months I had concerns, (if you don't know me or figure it out by previous posts I am a worry wart) on if she was making friends or fitting in and I did have a mini melt down over the amount of sand in her hair but I have since calmed down about all that (the sand issue is completely gone especially since it's hard to get sand in your hair in the winter).
My youngest daughter- Leah is almost a year!  She is the complete opposite of Grace meaning she gets into everything!  EVERYTHING!!  Mostly I think because she admires Grace so much that she might think she can do what Grace can do or because she just enjoys trying to play in the toilet, I'm not completely sure yet.  Leah is almost, thisclose to walking on her own but I am hoping that she waits until after Christmas so that she can't pull down the tree.
My family has survived a year living where we do, we love it and are very happy here.  Even though it's been a year, we are still surprised with the friendliness of our community and of course the beauty.  Although we should pick up some sort of winter sport to keep us occupied during the next six months or so of snow and cold.

Until next time....

I'm Back...

So as you can see I have returned to writing on my blog, the summer and fall was a lot crazier than I anticipated but I’m back.  Another reason for my return is because ‘The Weekender’, the paper that I was writing for has decided to change its focus and so I am out.  It was nice while it lasted and maybe another paper will decide to pick up the ‘Motherhood’ column, maybe not, either way in the meantime I thought I would focus again on this blog. Maybe this is where ‘Motherhood’ belongs anyway.

Today is this 14^th Anniversary of my mother Karen’s death.  She died from kidney cancer.  I don’t like saying it like that but saying, 14 years ago my mother died sounds just as weird.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot more these days because of my daughters.  Questions for her keep piling up, questions only my mother would be able to answer.  I am estranged from my father and sister and my paternal side of the family in case you were wondering why don’t I just ask them.  My relationship with my mother’s side of the family is getting better but I just would like to be able to ask my mother questions.  I am jealous of daughters who have a mom and who have been able to start on the motherhood journey with their guidance.  I know there are plenty of women like me who are motherless, or are lacking a mother figure in their life and are awesome moms, it just sucks sometimes.  Most days I try to forget about it, I try not to wonder so much about what my mother would have done, what my relationship with her would be like now if she was still alive.  Most days I try to focus on creating my own solid relationship with my daughters but most days it’s still hard.  My oldest daughter is four and is a lot like me and I forget to just treat her as I would have like to be treated.  My youngest is almost a year and is into everything – was I like that or does she take after her father?

My grief councilor told me once that grief is like waves, it comes and goes.  My grief and all its stages is here now and hopefully it goes quickly.

Wow, where has the time gone??
The weather has changed and now life has gotten a lot more busier, especially with 2 kids!  Here are the last two columns from The Weekender....hope you like them!  More to come!!  Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

The “But’ clause

My husband Jim and I aren’t sure who to point the finger at over this one, but our oldest daughter Grace has been talking a lot more like an adult these days and at times that can be very frustrating. Grace has started using the word ‘but’ with pretty much every sentence that comes out of her mouth.  Doesn’t matter what she is talking about, she uses ‘but’ as much as she can.  Most of the time it’s pretty funny to hear how she joins two thoughts together:

Grace: Mommy, it’s hot outside today, but baby cats are called kittens.

Grace: Daddy, I love you but I like you.

Grace: Leah is four months old, but I am four years old.

Grace: Mommy, I fell down and hurt my toe and knee, because I was walking too fast.

Me: Are you ok?  Maybe you shouldn’t walk so fast.

Grace: Yes but I am wearing my striped tights today.

Jim: Do you want to go to the cottage with me one weekend?

Grace: yes but I am wearing my pink skirt tomorrow.

The most irritating ‘but’ time comes when Grace is being punished because it seems as if no matter what offense she is guilty of, she always has a reason for it:

Me: Why did you pull Taboo’s (our cat) tail?

Grace: I didn’t mean to, but he was in my way.

Me: Why are you out of your room, it’s bedtime.

Grace: Oh but I forgot to give you a hug (I know, how you could get upset when this is the answer?)

Me: Grace are you ready for your bath yet?

Grace: oh but I forgot to get something.

Actually now that I think of it, Grace starts many of her sentences with ‘oh but’ – “oh but I just have to say one thing”, “oh but mommy tomorrow I am wearing my black skirt”, “oh but mommy, after dinner we are going to ride my bike”.  It’s almost as if she thinks the two of us were having a conversation and she had to add one more thing, but most of the time no conversation had taken place.

With all this ‘butting’ going on it makes me wonder sometimes if this is how Grace is going to be when she grows up:

Me (in 10 years): Why did you fail this test Grace?

Grace: I studied but the teacher made the test too hard.

Jim: Why did you take Leah’s Ipod (or whatever listening device is being used)?

Grace: I didn’t mean to, but I just wanted to listen to one song.

I sense that Grace sort of understands the reason behind the word ‘but’, I know I use it a lot absent mindedly as does Jim, it’s just part of our vocabulary and not in an excuse kind of way, at least I don’t think I use the word for that reason only.  Just another example of how kids listen (even if it doesn’t seem like they are) to everything you say.  At least we don’t swear around Grace or Leah – that would be embarrassing.

Leah Time

I knew having another child would require me to become an expert at balancing and I think for the most part I have done pretty well, however there are times when I feel a little guilty about much time I spend with Leah, my youngest daughter.

When I had Grace, it was just her and I at home and we would pass the day (in between feedings, diaper changes and sleeping) singing songs, looking at books, tummy times and of course playing and getting to know each other.

But there are some days I don’t spend the amount of alone time that I want to with Leah without having Grace in the background and I am finding that when I try focus on just Leah – Grace is demanding attention as well.  Such as the first time Leah tried out her jolly jumper.  My husband and I explained to Grace it was the same one that she herself had used a few years earlier and that she somewhat enjoyed it.  Leah didn’t know what to make of the jolly jumper and she sort of just hung around, but while my husband and I focused on her sort of standing on her own (with the help of a large spring attached from her door frame) Grace was behind us yelling “look at ME jump!”  Both my husband and I tried to praise Grace for her jumping skills as we also tried to give attention to Leah.

Then there was the time before Leah could really hold her head up and when tummy time was most important. I would be lying on the ground beside Leah cheering her on and praising her every time she did a mini push up while Grace would be cheering in the background for at least the first minute and then she would want to do something else, anything that would take the focus back onto her.  I tried explaining to Grace that Leah needed a bit more attention and for a while it seemed to work, it seemed that Grace understood and laid down beside me and cheered her sister on as Leah did her exercises.  But then as Leah got stronger, Grace’s need for attention also got stronger.  So I planned things to do with Grace with Leah in tow and I think it is working to calm Grace’s need for attention but now I am feeling guilty giving more attention to Grace than to Leah.  I don’t think Leah minds much, she seems perfectly happy just watching Grace be herself just as long as someone is holding her.

Leah and I do spend time together, we go to Mother Goose classes, we have the odd days alone when my husband takes Grace to the cottage but some times I feel as if these times aren’t enough.  I keep telling Leah and myself that my youngest will get plenty of mommy and Leah time once Grace starts school in September but I wonder if it’s ok to wait a few months before my youngest and I can really spend time together just like the way Grace and I got to spend time together.